When Grief Follows You Into the Holidays

(Or why my family had four reunions… but for all the wrong reasons)

This year has been rough. Like, the kind of rough where you look up in November and realize you’ve been to more funerals than birthday parties. Since March, we’ve lost four family members and a friend — all to illness or old age — and honestly, it still feels surreal. We joke in our family that we managed to squeeze in four reunions this year… but the punchline is that every single one was for a funeral. Dark, I know. But sometimes that’s the only way to talk about it without falling apart.

And now the holidays are coming.
Four people who were always part of December — the check-ins, the potlucks, the noisy tables — won’t be here. Their absence feels louder than the celebrations we’re trying to plan. Being with family is comforting, yes, but also weirdly anxiety-triggering. You’re sitting there wondering:

How am I supposed to act?
Was that the wrong thing to say?
Why do I feel guilty for laughing?
Why does everything feel heavier this year?

It’s like walking on eggshells while trying to keep everyone’s spirits alive — including your own. I want to write something profound, something helpful, something that ties grief in a neat conclusion… but honestly? I don’t have the words yet. There’s so much I want to say, and at the same time, nothing comes out right.

So maybe that’s the point of this post — that grief doesn’t always turn into a lesson right away. Sometimes it’s just… there. Messy. Lingering. Following you into a season that’s supposed to be merry and bright.

My next post will probably dive deeper — maybe about parenting while grieving, or how kids process loss, or how I’ve been trying to stay functional when everything feels heavy. But for now, this is where I am. Trying to find my footing. Trying to make space for joy without ignoring the sadness. Trying to be present even when my heart feels somewhere else.

And maybe, if you’re in the same place this season, this is me saying: you’re not the only one trying to figure it out.